[The following is an edited excerpt from a post of mine on the forum “I’m Waiting For My Irish Shepherd”, dated December 7, 2007. A year later, and after all I have written on this topic, I have to say I believe this is the ultimate crux of the issue. Enjoy.]
What I wanted to say was along the lines of how to save headache and heartache. I think it doesn’t have as much to do with a method (dating, courtship, casual friendships, family-based activities together…) as it has to do with an attitude.
I think the dominant attitude in our culture today is one of self-gratification: what’s going to make me feel good, what’s going to satisfy my longings, just as long as I’m happy…
In order for our friendships and romances to be right and good, there is a basic tenet of love that we need to adopt. It’s a missing link in our society and in the way we look at each other; and that is simply an attitude of selflessness. We need to care so much about the other person that we no longer base our decisions on what feels good or seems right to us at the moment, or even to them at the moment, but on what we know is going to be best for those involved in the long run.
And that’s true love. I know I sound far removed from the emotional heat of the moment that goes on. But honestly, we should live like that every day, with every person, shouldn’t we? It should become so much of a habit so that in every moment and at every turn we are both committed and competant to keep our paths straight and do what is right for our souls. Not only save yourself headache and heartache, but save each other from headache and heartache because God says to do this for one another.
This is as much paradigm shift and a challenge to me as to anyone else. I really really really want to hear what everybody else thinks about this.
Rachel O'Laughlin 
Ah yes, I remember this one.
Beautifully written and I completly agree. [nods gravely] Too many people want to not get broken but don’t mind breaking someone else’s heart.
May I speak briefly concerning an article of relationship?
To love is easy, to like is harder. The first can just be another word for infatuation and emotional involvement. To like involves activity.
The well worn question, “What’s to like?” comes to mind. Can you list substantial , solid reasons for liking someone? Are these reasons worthy articles to reflect upon in the heat of the moment, whether the moment be good or bad?
Would you miss this person and the reasons you like him/her if he/she were suddenly gone? Come now, let us stand back and count the loss of this soul from our life. Are you diminished by this loss?
Maybe the differences that cooled our arder are the very articles of personality that make the relationship worthwhile. We can’t all be alike, no, none can be just alike.
An old Indian was once heard to say that he was glad not everyone was alike because they would all want his squaw.
Long live the Godly differences.
Just to stave off any offense, I am part “Indian”
I believe the real model is to seek and have a partnership to serve God together. Serving one another is only a manifestation of that, not an end in itself. Love is patient, it is not whimsical and fanciful but rather faithful, true, committed and sacrificial like God with Israel / Christ with his church.
You got it girl. T is right as well.
Humans are so selfish, it is such a challenge to LOVE unselfishly. It can be done for a while, but unless the Love of Christ flourishes in our soul we will run dry and give up.
Thank you for writing again, sis. You are such an inspiration.
Happy Valentine’s day yall
May the Lord of True LOVE kiss your heart, your mind and your whole being.
May the Lord of True LOVE be your all in all.
“We need to care so much about the other person that we no longer base our decisions on what feels good or seems right to us at the moment, or even to them at the moment, but on what we know is going to be best for those involved in the long run.”
I really appreciate this.
I very recently had my heart broken by a boy that I love(d?) very much. Two years in, he has decided that other things are more important to him. That our relationship (which has always been about supporting each other’s goals and choices), is now just a chore. But even before that, I was feeling stomped and stepped on as I tried to change what I thought I needed (a phonecall more often, him to come pick me up when I’d traveled 18hours to see him, a question about what WE were going to do for the summer). I kept telling myself that my needs were selfish, that love shouldn’t be selfish, that if I loved him enough I would understand where he was coming from. That I didn’t need that phonecall, or for him to check on me when I was sad. Finally, towards the end, I said enough is enough! There are some things I DO need, or, more importantly, some things that our RELATIONSHIP needs in order to be real, true, and the kind of thing that will get us through the hard parts of life. Communication. Care. Something as simple as time.
Still, after he decided he didn’t want to put those things into it, I was confused–perhaps I was asking for selfish things? After all, he had been perfectly happy with how we were.
But reading this reminded me–it wasn’t selfishness. It was me trying to prioritize the big picture, the long run. It wasn’t me not caring about him enough any more. It was actually me caring about him enough to be honest, and tell him that our relationship wasn’t going to make it if he kept ignoring it. That our relationship was important, and would carry us both through the hard times if we took care of it.
Well, it didn’t make it. But that was his choice, and thanks to your words, I am reminded that it wasn’t because I didn’t love him enough.